The town of Ababrakhabakebab is populated by a rich and diverse mixture of characters. So diverse are they in fact, that over fifty of them have managed to get a part in Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves. Okay, so forty of them happen to be the titular thieves, and a large number of the other characters don't really say or do much, but, regardless of their involvement, they all contribute to the excellence that is Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves. Below is a profile of the main characters in the story and a quick introduction to each of the forty thieves and some of the other characters.
- ALI BABA - KASSIM -
BERNADETTE - RITA -
DON -
- MARGHERITA ANNE D'ANCHOVIES - BRIAN -
SAMMY - RANDOLPH -
- THE FORTY THIEVES - OTHER CHARACTERS -
Ali Baba
Main character, brother of Kassim and husband of Bernadette and Rita. Former exotic dancer, has a strange penchant for fruit-flavoured skin and beauty products. Chops wood for a living. Despite having his name in the title, his actual role in the story is quite limited. Ali Baba's hobbies include snail-racing and basket weaving. His favourite song is
Wannabe by The Spice Girls and favourite films are Avatar and I Still Know What You Did Last Summer.
Kassim
Ali Baba's richer and wiser brother, first husband of Rita. Due to Ali's obvious stupidity, Kassim is intent on belittling his brother. Although much of his wealth is due to a lottery win, Kassim is owner of The Baba Bazaar but also possesses a rather obscene number of mules. Kassim's favourite songs are
You Spin Me Round (Like a Record) by Dead or Alive and Don't Be A Stranger by Dina Carroll. His favourite film is Mary Poppins.
Bernadette
A representative of a home delivery cosmetics company, Bernadette's fate is sealed after knocking on Ali Baba's door. Although she possesses bovine tendencies, Bernadette is all woman. Well, that's what she said when she was approached to appear in the book. She likes potatoes and balding, but not bald, men. Her favourite television programmes are
Nip/Tuck and Tiswas and her favourite book is her 1980 Tiswas Annual.
Rita
Wife of Kassim, later of Ali Baba. A huge fan of Bingo but has recently been banned from using any online Bingo websites after it was discovered that she had been cheating on them. She now plays Bingo on her own by writing down numbers on a piece of paper and asking somebody, often a complete stranger, to shout out random numbers to her. There's no prize but she still gets a rush from it. Her favourite film is eighties classic
Weird Science and her favourite television programme is Duty Free.
Don
Don is Ali Baba's talking donkey. And before anybody shouts "rip off!", the first attempt at this version of
Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves was written back in 1995, before
Shrek. Although the presence of a talking donkey in the original Arabian Nights text is not obvious, if you read between the lines you'll find one. I read it about fifty times before I could find a talking donkey. Don's favourite song is
All Out Of Love by Air Supply. He has no favourite films as he prefers to read novels instead. His favourite is
Adam Bede by George Eliot.
Margherita Anne D'Anchovies
A pretty and intelligent slave girl. Margherita spends much of the story drawing on doors. When not being a slave or drowning people, she earns extra money by being a mystery customer of kebab shops. Her favourite films are
Dirty Dancing, The Bodyguard, Ghost and Braindead. Her favourite television programme is nineties sun-soaked soap
Eldorado as it somehow reminds her of a holiday she once had in Tenerife.
Brian
Kassim and Rita's son, a master of the art of not appearing in stories until they're nearly finished. Oil tycoon, later takes over The Baba Bazaar. Can often be found loitering outside different KFC restaurants late at night. His favourite songs are
Kiss Kiss by Holly Valance and All The Things She Said by tATu. His favourite movie is the film noir classic
The Third Man.
Sammy
Kassim and Rita's dog. Needs putting out at night. I'm not too sure why he's even in the credits. I don't even know if he actually features in the story. Oh well, his favourite film is
Watership Down, favourite song is that one that Leon Jackson sang on
The X Factor final a few years ago, and favourite meal is Bakers Complete Gravy Bites 2 in 1.
Randolph
Son of Ali Baba and Bernadette. Smells a bit, isn't very intelligent. His favourite television programmes are
Celebrity Love Island, All Star Mr and Mrs, All Star Family Fortunes, I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here and
Soapstar Superstar. His favourite songs are Everybody in Love by JLS and
Woman in Love by Barbra Streisand.
The Forty Thieves
Mustafa Krapp – Captain of the Forty Thieves. Has a funny name (well, I think so)
Ed – Draws on doors. A mindless vandal
Trev – Also draws on doors. Another mindless vandal
Sid – Comes from Bognor Regis. Likes sitting on cacti
Bill – Former owner of a national newspaper. Ate his chips out it, then threw it away
Desmond – Part-time children’s television presenter
Robert – Interests include sky-diving, jet-skiing, white water rafting. GSOH. Late thirties. Ideal date: Fruity
Graham – Collects stamps, eats elephants
Wesley – Collects elephants, eats stamps
Ben – Alternative comedian (i.e. not funny)
Josephine – Was called Joseph, but had an operation that changed his/her life
Paula – See above, but operation was an accident. Was called Paul
George – Grates cheese for supermarkets to sell in packets for lazy people to buy
Rolf – Dog trainer. Likes slow cars and fast women
John – Cat trainer. Likes fast cars and slow women
Julian – Hairdresser. Likes cars. Doesn’t like women
Derek – Dustbin man. Part-time street entertainer
Steve – Works at a primary school. Sharpens pencils
Harry – Philosopher. Personal quote: “Why?”
Mike – Chef. Prepares and cooks food
Adam – Studies Greek literature. Knows lots about the Oedipus complex
Hugh – Inventor of the dodecahedron. Believes it will change the world forever
Dan – Eats candle wax. Doesn’t say much
Mark – Drinks candle wax. Doesn’t say anything
Charlie – Opens doors for old people. A proper Charlie. Bum-bum! Ahem…
Barry – Second-hand antiques dealer. Sells old stuff
William – Third-hand antiques dealer. Doesn’t get much custom, possibly because of his extra hand. Freaky!
Pete – Firm believer in the world being a balloon ready to explode
Alec – Firm believer in Tony Blair’s head being a balloon ready to explode
DJ Daz – Knows where it’s at, man. Likes getting’ down wit it, or something. Getting on? Off? Over?
Oliver – Comes from Croydon. Manchester United supporter
Jack – Has a bizarre habit of getting toothbrushes stuck up his nose
Eric – Turned down the chance to be a creature in a Harry Potter story, just to get mentioned in this credits page
Victor – Won a lot of things in his time (coo, a pun!)
Onslow – Believes that he’s the capital of Norway
Ian – Tries to sing. Tries to write songs. Tries to be hard. Fails on all counts
Liam – General Practitioner
Terence – General Prat
Guy – Always seems to end up on bonfires every November. Doesn’t know why
Harrison – Believes that he can fly. He’s either on drugs, or has been spending too much time playing basketball with cartoon characters
Other Characters
Mr. Bott – Chemist. Deals in drugs and stuff. Should be arrested and put away
Ken the Kobbler – A cobbler. Cobbles for a living
Man who works there – Works for Ken the Kobbler. Doesn’t have a name
Mrs. Ed – The wife of Ed, one of the Forty Thieves
Extra – Appears in Ken’s shop. Doesn’t say much. Totally useless and unnecessary, but desperate for the work
Townsfolk of Ababrakhabakebab – People who live in the town of Ababrakhabakebab
© Caverswall Palace
1995 - 2011
